20 Phrases to Use When Setting Up an Awesome Online Dating Profile (or not)

The world of online dating is a hard world. Just like the real world, first impressions mean a lot. Your Mr. or Ms. Right may be out there right now, reading your profile, but if you have written the wrong thing, even if it's just a phrase in your overall profile, you might accidentally prevent yourself from ever meeting your soulmate.

Below are 20 phrases that are guaranteed to reel that special guy or gal right in. If you want to find your one, true love in the world of online dating, just incorporate a few of these phrases. If you're really bold, you can try them all.

1. Bed-ridden. Obviously, the image of you in bed is going to get somebody hot.
2. VD is in remission. Exciting news for any potential suitor. It gives them a time window to act.
3. I live with my parents. This often means free food. Everyone likes free food.
4. I live with my ex. This allows that potential soulmate to get the lowdown on what not to do.
5. It's a jungle out there and in my pants. Maybe a little forward, but creates a sense of mystery. Jungles are full of mystery.
6. 50W, 28L. The kind of dimensions that make members of the opposite sex drool, particularly if they're into sailing.
7. My dog always sleeps in the bed. Everyone loves dogs.
8. A woman cannot have enough cats. A woman with a lot of cats is like a man with a lot of cable channels.
9. Former prostitute. If you've got some experience, don't be afraid to let people know.
10. My creditors still can't find me. Creditors can be annoying. Nobody wants them calling at dinner.
11. Butt cheese. The next best thing to Gouda.
12. It's okay if you're my first cousin. Especially compelling if you live in the south.
13. Burping, belching, and beautiful. Shows self-esteem. People are naturally drawn to self-esteem.
14. Loves life. So original.
15. Mostly depressed. This means that some of the time you are so incredibly not depressed.
16. Unemployed and proud. Again, self-esteem. It's Spanish Fly for the psyche.
17. Mildly incontinent. People want to know how to prepare for that first date.
18. I WANT TO MEET YOU NOW! You're going to make somebody feel really special.
19. Custody battle. You're fighting for your rights!
20. One in the oven. Men love a woman who can cook.

So here's a sample profile using all of these phrases that you are welcome to use for yourself. But beware, you may have to beat suitors off with a stick.

SAMPLE PROFILE

Bed-ridden female, former prostitute, with amazing pants: 50w, 28l and VD that's in remission. Yes, it's a jungle out there and in my pants. Although I live with my parents and my ex, I love life even though the custody battle has been dragging on. Sure, I'm mostly depressed, especially with one in the oven, but I still WANT TO MEET YOU NOW. While I've become mildly incontinent, I'm still burping, belching, and beautiful. Don't mind the butt cheese or my dog, who sleeps in the bed with me. I believe in two things: first cousins should be able to date and a woman cannot have enough cats. I'm unemployed and proud, but have moved around enough that my creditors can't find me. Can't wait to hear from you.