A Review of Kate Winslet's Chest

More than perhaps any other Oscar-winning actress, Kate Winslet has displayed a wonderful willingness to appear in the buff in her movies. I say wonderful, because Kate Winslet has the body of a real woman and her figure shows women everywhere that you don't have to be perfect to be beautiful. Kate Winslet is beautiful both clothed and unclothed, adorned in rags or adorned in nothing.

Kate Winslet has been sans clothing in the following movies:

• Heavenly Creatures (1994)
• Jude (1996)
• Titanic (1997)
• Hideous Kinky (1998)
• Holy Smoke (1999)
• Quills (2000)
• Iris (2001)
• Little Children (2006)
• The Reader (2008)

As anyone who has seen her movies knows, Winslet has a wonderfully interesting body. Of particular interest in the chest area are Winslet's areolas, which are unusual in shape. After doing much research and image analysis, I have discovered the amazing coincidence that Winslet's right areola is shaped exactly like Switzerland.

If Winslet's areloa is shaped like Switzerland, that means that the nipple is located in Stans. To fully research this odd connection, I traveled to Stans, a small town of approximately 8,000 people, to ask them how they felt about being an important location on Kate Winslet's body.

Upon my arrival in Stans, I was greeted by Hans, who was the city's tourist liaison. When I asked him about his city's unique relationship with Kate Winslet, he was momentarily confused. However, after I explained that Stans was the center of Kate Winslet's areola and that Switzerland was its shape, he informed me that Stans officials had actually been aware of this fact for some time, but did not want to publicize it due to strict Swiss decency laws. He told me in confidence that when citizens viewed the Stanserhorn (their local mountain), a whopping 23% of them thought of Kate Winslet.

Hans then took me to one of Stans' local watering holes where we sat and discussed Kate Winslet's chest over some beers and Hans attempted to fondle my kneecaps, which he said reminded him of some old flatware his grandmother had willed his family. I thought this was unusual since I was wearing long pants at the time, but I let him touch me anyway.

I asked Hans what his favorite Kate Winslet movie was and he said that his favorites were the ones where she was unclothed and his least favorite ones were the ones where she was clothed. Hans said that every time he watched Winslet in a movie where she took off her clothes, he was instantly reminded of Stans and it gave him a warm feeling in his bowel. He then disappeared and went in the back for about ten minutes. I did not pursue this further.

Thus, I left Stans with an enhanced appreciation for Kate Winslet's chest, her impact on a small Swiss town, and a slightly tingly kneecap. Ms. Winslet, if you are reading this, you have an open invitation from the town of Stans to visit anytime.