Break Up With Your Girlfriend: A How To Guide

They say breaking up is hard to do. It doesn't have to be.

If you're a man in a relationship and you've decided that it's over and you've come to the point where you need to break-up with your girlfriend, don't stress about how to do the break-up. Inevitably, you'll ask yourself whether to do the break-up by phone or by email or whether to break-up at the end of your next date. Why limit yourself with lack of creativity? With these break-up ideas, you won't need to think about your strategy another minute. These are guaranteed to work and work well. You can be certain that she'll never forget this break-up and that you'll leave your mark.

• Birthday cake - You know how you can buy a birthday cake at most supermarkets and have something written in icing like "Happy 3rd Birthday, Toby!" Well, you'd be surprised just how much you can get on a birthday cake in icing. So, give your message some thought. It can be as short as "I don't want to see you anymore. Goodbye." Or it can be something long like "I hate the way you kiss. I hate your cooking. This just isn't working anymore." Then deliver the cake to her front door. The upside is that she'll have something to eat crying over the break-up. Of course, if you really want to rub it in, you can make the cake flavor something really nauseating, like pickle.
• Billboard via GPS - This can be a little expensive, but that's where the GPS comes in. If you rent a billboard in the middle of nowhere, it won't cost as much. You can either just put all text on the billboard or a big picture of her with a circle over the picture and a line through it. Then you call her up and tell her you have a big surprise for her that involves her using her GPS to find it. Then after she drives for miles and miles, she'll come to the billboard and learn that you're breaking up with her. It may give you the time you need to form a break-up fury contingency plan.
• Fake page inside favorite magazine - This one is cheap and easy. Just take the latest issue of Cosmpolitan or whatever she reads and make a color copy of a break-up note and slip it inside the magazine so that when she's reading she'll come to it and learn of the break-up that way. Where you slip it in can be used for extra effect. Slip it in after some stupid advertisement and it might not have much impact. Slip it in the middle of some article on self-improvement and life happiness and it will.
• Record-a-book - There are these storybooks you can buy for kids where you can record your voice reading the story. So, there are books like "Twas the Night Before Christmas" and "Frosty the Snowman" where you read the story and your favorite niece or nephew can listen to you reading it and read along at the same time. Well, what a great way to break up with your girlfriend. This makes the holidays even more fun. Send her "Twas the Night Before Christmas" as a gift. She'll be reading along: "Twas the Night Before Christmas and all through the house. Not a creature was stirring, certainly not me, since I just broke up with your sorry ass." Has even more impact if you wait until the end of the story: "But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night except for you because I'm breaking up with you."
• Twitter - This is your official notice that I'm breaking up with you. #breakingupwithmygirlfriend
• Obituary - A break-up is the death of a relationship, so why not an obituary? Trust me, newspapers are desperate for revenue. They'll print it.
• Parking ticket - Most magic shops and gag shops make fake parking tickets. If not, you can pick some up online. Slip one under her windshield wiper. Give her a ticket for being a crappy girlfriend.
• Pee-writing in the snow - To make this work, you have to live somewhere fairly cold or wintery and you have to be able to pee legibly in the snow. The best way to pull this off is to drink a six-pack an hour or two before you make the attempt so you have enough juice to pull off a few words. If you're short on time, you can just pee "Bye" or something. Obviously, if you can pee off a couple of sentences, your break-up can enter epic territory. If you live in a really cold place and the temperature is going to remain below zero for a few weeks, you can go back repeatedly and leave a little story. Just make sure that if you're going to consume alcohol to do your writing that you don't drink too much. You don't want to be found frozen, face down in the snow in your own pee with your pants down and a half-written, yellow note in the snow.
• Note in empty tampon tube - Hit her tampon box when she's taking a shower or out on an errand. Take out the tampon and slip in a note. It's best to do this close to her period so that she opens it otherwise your break-up could take another 28 days or so. Done correctly, you pull off a kind of double-whammy.
• Toilet paper note - This is usually best done with a full roll of toilet paper. Unroll it about half way and then start your note. The longer the note, the better. Within a few days, she'll be on the can, emptying her bladder or taking a dump, then hit your note. The whole idea is very apropos. Just make sure to draw a long line that leads to your note or something like that so she doesn't accidentally wipe herself with the first half of your note. Also, water soluble ink is an added bonus.