How to Write an Online Dating Profile (or not)

I know from experience that online dating can be really difficult and that part of that difficulty is writing an online dating profile. However, it can be a lot less so if you make your profile the best it can be. Many things, like spelling errors and certain types of pictures can be a huge turn-off, so paying attention to what you're doing can really pay off, just like paying attention while driving can keep you from getting killed. So here are my recommendations for how to write the perfect online dating profile. I do tend to focus on these things from the female side, but if you're a guy, just do your best to turn the tables.

1. Pick a Great Screen Name - Your screen name should say something very personal about you, so that you get across information before your potential suitor has even gotten to your profile description. You should also include a bit of information that's really important to you to week out people, so for instance, if you love fish, something like "FishloverSally" would be a good screen name. Or if you have IBS, "IBSBob" might be a good screen name. Then if the person didn't know what IBS was, you would have an instant topic of conversation. Many people have told me that "sychophantastic" is the best match.com screen name they've ever heard.
2. A good picture of you doing something you like taken from really far away - Most of us are happiest when we're doing something we like, so if you like to sit and watch television all hours of the day while eating Ben and Jerry's, you should take a picture of yourself doing that. If you don't like to hike, don't take a picture of yourself hiking. And by all means, if you have pets, take as many photos with your pets as possible. Also, photos where it's obvious that you've cut somebody out of the picture, like an old boyfriend, can be good. And definitely photos where you're drunk at some bar are good. We're always happiest when we're drunk. There are, of course, certain things that are off limits, like playing with certain toys, if you know what I mean. Nobody should see your "O" face in a profile picture. Save that for later. In fact, if you're not that good-looking, just find a photo of a lesser-known model and post that. In fact, most of us are not really that good looking, so you want to make sure the picture is either taken from very far away or slightly out-of-focus. That creates a sense of mystery and a person of the opposite sex who's going to say to him or herself: "Wow, I wonder what he/she looks like in person."
3. Lie About Your Attributes - Men want tall, curvaceous, well-built women. So don't tell a man your 4'9" and weigh 300 pounds. Women want George Clooney or Justin Timberlake. So when the profile asks for your attributes, always click on "well-built" or "athletic". It doesn't matter whether you're either one or if you haven't actually worked out in five years. Now, this raises the questions of what to do when you meet your man for the first time because he might think that you're a liar. The truth is, most men aren't brave enough to actually address the issue, so you have some time to make a good impression. Actually, you can deflate the issue somewhat by turning the tables and mentioning that he doesn't look anything like his photo, but that you're okay with it. If you're a guy and you've managed to reel in a supermodel or something, but you're fatter than two tons of horse manure, just mention something about crying tears on your yacht. Look at that dude who married Salma Hayek. It works.
4. Use some key phrases - There are certain key phrases that will make any man fall in love with you instantly, so sprinkle them throughout your profile. Here are some: "Will eat bacon." "Gets Jiggy with it." "Lives with ex-boyfriend." "Lives with ex-husband." "Lives with ex-boyfriend and ex-husband." "Taught my dog to drive." "Can't cook, but can suck down a bottle of wine in under 60 seconds." "My bed doubles as a semi-truck hydraulic jack." "It's my way or the highway." "You'll find the answer to life under my third fat roll." "You can smell me from a mile away." "Loves prairie dogs."
5. Detail how many partners you've had - Men like women with experience. The more experience, the better. Basically, men view this like women view money - the more, the merrier. So why be a millionaire when you can be a billionaire? Here's my basic formula for this detail: take your lucky number, multiply by 7 and add 100. So my lucky number is 5. On my online profile, I tell everyone I've been with 350 guys. Works like a charm.

So that's my advice. I know that if properly utilized, many of you will meet that man of your dreams online in no time.